The Pinterest Mom
She is full of ideas and throws birthday bashes where kids are exposed to 101 crafts and then they come home and expect the same from you. This doesn’t end here. You go over to hers for a simple dinner and you see a driveway lined with illuminated mason jars and glow-in-the-dark paint, cloth napkins twisted into swans, place settings, homemade coasters, dish tags and potpourri. Who does that?! And of course, every event has to go up on Pinterest. And you’ll be tagged on Facebook. Go die.
The Chill Pill Mom
She lives in a perpetual zen state. If you’re looking for a way to detoxify yourself, talk to her. Her carefree and ‘live and let live’ manner will have you smiling and breathing again in no time. Except when her kid falls off a slide and she takes like 2.3 years to reach him, you consider dashing off to this next mom on our list.
The Worrier Mom
The world is coming to an end. And she’s the only one who is prepared. She’ll have all the facts and figures to support her theories on the thousand ways your child can fall sick by licking the lollypop the wrong way, the two-second rule for food dropped on the floor is actually a death trap, soda is poison, tap water is toxic, air is toxic, and why all of this is your fault. She has charted out five calendar systems to be ready for anything – one solar, one lunar, one Martian and two Mayans. (She knows they were onto something.)
The Warrior Mom
You look at her kid the wrong way and you die. It’s as simple as that. Everyone fears her kid because she’s the bully they don’t want to be wedged up against. She may be petite or hulk-sized, her resolve to protect her spawn is as strong as the Himalayas. You don’t ever want to get on her bad side because if she doesn’t punch you square on the kisser, she’ll kill you with diarrhea via her special cake recipe that she made just for you.
The Fashionista Mom
She’s unreal but we all want to be like her. She’s a star that Bollywood forgot to cast. Her clothes are the latest trend in fashion, hair glossy and full, nails impeccable, makeup done, and her sugar sweet smile may give you diabetes. It’s like she has this checklist that she checks off every morning before/during/after the school/grocery-store/office run…and she runs in them 9 inch heels too!
The Sloppy Mom
She’s the polar opposite of the Fashionista Mom. This one couldn’t care less that her jeans are faded and barely fit, shoes are begging to be replaced and hair/face/personality desperately need a makeover. She’ll be the one pushing one kid inside the school gate with another one on her arm slathering a chocolate covered cookie all over his face and hers.
The Busybody Mom
She’s in a hurry, under the gun, extremely stressed out and you are in her way. Get out before she bulldozes you (unintentionally of course) while she pushes and rushes her kids to school to dance class to game practice to actual competition to extra math lessons to home to dinner to bath to bed (snacking all the way in between). Whew! What a day! Oh yes, you had called her for…?
The PTA Mom
She lives in the school. She’s trying to make up for all the things she did wrong in first grade via her kid. There’s no meeting, morning coffee, parent party and school event that she isn’t seen at. The teachers probably remember her name more than they do of the kids in their class and the same goes for the other parents who are frequently dished out emails from her on behalf of the class. If you forgot to get that glue for that project, tell her and you’ll be covered. Bless this Mom. She made your life easier in school.
The Mother Earth
If it’s not organic, its death. Don’t ask her to make treats for that party you want to throw for all the kids. The kids will hate you for life. I mean please, nobody wants to eat granola bars infused with spinach and turmeric. Also, don’t you dare gloat over that glossy new synthetic fabric you just bought or that new lipstick you just tried – they have chemicals. They will kill you! And if your house is not mopped with just water, dishes washed with just water, laundry done in just water, meals cooked in fat straight from the cow, don’t bother inviting her. Or you can allow her to bring her own food. Don’t worry, the smell will go away in a decade or two.
The Feeder Mom
This one will feed you to obesity. Stay away from her if you can help it but you can’t. She smells like cookie dough. Her house smells like cookie dough. So does her car, and her kids look like glazed donuts. She’s the heart of all potlucks, her dinners are a dream out of a cook book and you’d rather die than miss any of her parties. She’s the totka queen, too. Your shirt won’t shine super white? She would know how. You’re losing hair? She would know why and how to cure that. Just don’t ask her if you’re not going to implement it or else there will be blood. And she’ll know exactly how to cook your corpse, too.
The BFF Mom
Her kids don’t need friends. They have her. And no you may not tell her they need to branch out or that she’s embarrassing them and those songs she sings and the clothes she wears and the fads she follows are a bit too young for her age – by some 200 decades or so. Also, being fun isn’t a priority for good parents. If you’re the BFF then who is parenting them?
The Preacher Mom
You’re doing it wrong. Yeah, whatever you’re doing is wrong. There’s only one way of doing anything right and that’s the way the Preacher Mom does it. You do not use that brand of diapers, not that brand of food, in fact, omg! You use readymade food? And you don’t breastfeed? Also, that clothes detergent isn’t right, nor the way you patch up your child’s wound. You pamper your kids too much, and now you’re disciplining the wrong way. And don’t even get her started on your belief system…!
The Perfectionist Mom
She’s graduated from the Finishing School Of Plastic Beauties with honors. She was the crown jewel of the Stepford Wives Colony before she went on to head the Board of Immaculate Mothers. She never talks above a set pitch, never sits with legs uncrossed, always has hands neatly folded in her lap, always wears a chignon, has perfectly ironed and tailored clothes on, catwalks only when she walks, avoids discussions without pride or prejudice and always smiles. She is the mannequin that came to life.
The Martyr Mom
She can die for her kids. Literally. You can count on her to dish out the juiciest soup of the century all on her own when she sees an injustice done to her babies – like not getting the latest pencil case in time because it was sold out. She will sell all her pots and pans to pay for their shoes (if she had too). She cooks for them, cleans after them, smooches them to no end, cries rivers if they get a booboo, posts their pictures all over the internet and expects great praises in return with a hundred and ninety two ‘likes’ for each picture. She’ll count you as enemy/jealous bitch #1 if you don’t comply. In short, she’s a nightmare to have as a friend TBH.
The Competitive Mom
She’s into sports, to state it bluntly. Be it a spelling bee. I mean that too is a competition, right? And if you’re unsure about how to recognize her then hear for the one who just can’t stop singing her own praises even when she’s supposed to be tooting her child’s horn. I mean those are HER genes after all.
The Tiger Mom
She’s the Kim Jon Yung of her household. Discipline, discipline and more discipline. She might as well wear a livery and carry a gun. Emotions are outlawed in her kingdom, at least until further decree, which may never come. You’re in love with him? Too bad. Mommy loves you more!
This list isn't nearly complete. I'm sure I've missed out an entire truckload of scary moms, psycho moms and other interesting varieties of moms out there. Please add in comments if you will ;)