However, I do have a few things that unnerve me.
The wafer thin knowledge base of the average GOP voter – or an average Islamophobe for that matter – regarding their Enemy #1, the followers of Islam, is quite humiliating. I mean, seriously. After more than a decade of obsessing over Islam you’d expect the haters to know exactly what the religion is about and how they should project themselves to appear superior and all that shit. Too bad, they’re failing miserably. If you’re a supporter, you have my pity and here’s why:
Sharia Law is coming
Er…no, it’s not. Honestly, ask the Taliban. They’ve been fighting to impose Sharia in Pakistan since forever and still aren’t successful so if you ever thought it was that easily done, you might want to have a heart to heart with them. Cry a little over their trials, too. On a more serious note, Sharia actually requires Muslims to abide by the law of the land, the constitution of the country the Muslims reside in whether the constitution is Islamic or otherwise. Moreover, Sharia Law is not synonymous with ISIS Law. If it was, no army in the world would be able to stop 1.6 billion Muslims, roughly 23% of world population, if they ever decided to act like ISIS. But they don’t and won’t because they know Islam and they know Sharia and they know it has nothing to do with terrorists who claim to follow it. About time you understood that, too.
Ban the hijab
Snatching a hijab off a Muslima’s head drives one clear message home: you are the non-Muslim equivalent of Taliban. They force women into hijabs, you force them out. Neither of you respect women or see them as an equal human being or a human being at all. See a pattern here? The ideology of force, coercion and overall lack of respect for human dignity sound familiar? And if you’re of the opinion that since the Muslim countries (about like 3.5 out of 50) force foreigners into hijabs and/or burqa by law while visiting, hence, you should force Muslims into bikinis as this is your land – you might want to take a look at your own constitution, and then, at your history. Muslim countries don’t boast to be secular, don’t boast to give religious freedom to all. You do. Unfortunately for you. So, either amend the first amendment or your unconstitutional attitude.
Bomb (insert country) at will
If you decide to hate a country and/or believe a country should be wiped off the face of the planet, we’d expect you to know where it is on the planet. In a recent survey of 532 republican primary voters, 30% wanted to bomb Agrabah – as in the fictional country from 1992 Disney classic, Aladdin. I’m guessing the bombing will commence as soon as GOP can locate Agrabah on the actual world map. After that, I suppose, they’ll wage war against Baklava. Not to mention that Ben Carson already thinks that Humus is evil and must be eradicated. I’m guessing the showdown between Trump and Jaffar would be awesome. I’m rooting for Jaffar, of course, because Disney.
Not all Muslims live in the Middle East
Pakistan is NOT in the Middle East (for the gazillionth time) so do not expect us to even listen to conversations beginning with ‘If you understand Arabic’. Now, if you were to say Urdu, Hindi, Sanskrit or even Persian, many of us would rise to the occasion (God bless South Asia, Iqbal’s poetry and Bollywood). Also, Iran and Afghanistan are not part of the Arab world. They have more in common with Alex the Great Greek Guy and Genghis Khan rather than Muhammad Bin Qasim, and no, for the love of Christ, this Muhammad is not The Prophet Muhammad.
Ignorance will lead to idiocy
While every word falling out of an Arab’s mouth may sound like a Quranic verse, rest assured it is not. Therefore, if one is flinging insults at you, they’re less likely to be in the name of Allah and more in the name of O ye ignorant American.
Terrorism doesn’t fight terrorism
Lashing out at Muslims in general does not help fight against terrorism. The Quran burnings, mosque burnings, vandalism and Let’s Draw Muhammad days do not help either. This merely confirms that when the going gets tough, mass hysteria prevails regardless of race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, intelligence, age, economic status and address. If your reaction is ‘oh but we’re unhappy about Islamists killing our people so let’s bomb/ban them all’ then you have made ISIS proud. That’s what they say to recruit all the victims of wars that the West has waged against the Middle East and other nations, destroying entire economies. Congratulations. You and Daesh should be best buds. Here’s a burqa and a turban for your wardrobe.
Immigrants built USA
We immeegraannts do not drop by all willy-nilly to chow down the country’s GDP for free. We work very hard to build our lives here. We pay our taxes to build this country. And in case it still needs to be said, everyone knows about the Native Americans a.k.a. not the European colonists. So please, get over ‘them foreigners, us locals’ frenzy. And speaking of Muslims, we are one of the richest, most educated and most diverse demographic in the States. Also, many of the slaves that the white idiots brought to USA were Muslims who were then forcibly converted to serve their masters’ intolerance. So, in case you were still wondering, we are all here in your country because you were all there in our countries. Capiche?
Terrorists seriously need to rethink terrorism
Even we don’t understand why the Islamic radicals insist upon using underwear and kitchen utensils to terrorize public when clearly the NRA is exceedingly in favor of guns. No doubt, they’re catching up on the gun-love but still.
Islamophobes also need to rethink terrorism
A mop sink, a calligraphy session, a hijab is no reason to cause alarm – seriously. (Looking at you Tennessee, Virginia and the rest of your clan). If prayer beads and prayer mats get you into a hissy fit then please, you need an education, in Lal Masjid, to see what terrorists really treasure. Also, leaving severed pig heads at a mosque or writing ‘Jesus’ as a means to ward off the evil of Islam is just not gonna work. One, we revere Jesus as a prophet and if anything, the mosques should help with the graffiti by writing out verses from the Quran glorifying the immaculate birth and Virgin Mary so that’s that. And two, Allah didn’t really discriminate where he’d put pigs on earth when he created them. We got plenty in the Muslim world as well, all puns intended.
We have a saying in Urdu: naqal ke liayay bhi aqal chahiyay (it still takes brains to copy someone). If you want to outbad ISIS and be the ultimate evil genius by terrorizing innocents on religious and ethnic grounds, you’d still have to incorporate the ‘genius’ part in your evilness. And be original.
Right now, you’re not impressing anyone.
PS: This piece first appeared in The Nation