For instance, please DO:
- Send me that game request one more time because I solely live for the pleasure of refusing you. The first seventy five times weren’t creative enough, trust me. I’m getting better. For every game request sent from now on, I’ll send you a homemade curse - fresh from my cauldron. My pretty…!
- Delete me and then email me to ask if I received the invite to your event via Facebook. Clever. I see what you did there. I mean I never would’ve noticed you were gone had you not told me to look for you. Also, how boring is your life without me?
- Stalk me and then bitch about what I’ve been posting to my BFF. She’s only like my biggest fan so I’m sorry you endured a ruptured ego and spleen. Did you get my flowers?
- Tag me in posts that need instant reposting or else...
- Tell me you're my contact’s ancient relative after I’ve trolled you for over twenty comments. That dying tree/sunset/flower you have for a DP should've given you away but silly me, I got it all wrong.
- Be huffy when I honestly opine on a post you tagged me to honestly opine on. Only you forgot to brief me that I was supposed to say what you feel and not what I feel. And I’m sorry all your friends loved me for it. Totally didn’t mean to steal your thunder.
- Brag about how hot your lovelife is. Now, every time I see that couple making out in public I’ll be thankful for you. At least you’re only doing it on Facebook.
- Discipline your child in the newsfeed. Next time I see a parent yelling at their kid at the mall in front of a bazillion people, I’ll remember you.
- Post the most gruesome photos available in the entire universe only for me to check off the ‘I don’t want to see this’ box because I really don’t. There’s no better way of making me feel what a horrible person I am than that because I can’t bear to look at the decapitated body of a three month old while his mother rips her heart out. Yes, I’m such a monster.
- Completely flip out and wage war against all those who wouldn’t boycott this or would boycott that or would believe this or wouldn’t reject that. It’s always thrilling to see someone turn into a huge colorful rage monster on social media. Hulk! Smash!
- Post the most disturbing news bits. Now, I’m sufficiently paranoid that the world is full of Bill Mahers and bigots and I’m actually better off sleeping with a gun than my husband. And that the whole of Africa is infected with Ebola and their sole purpose in life is to infect the rest of the world. And by rest of the world I mean the United States because nobody else knows about it yet or is paranoid yet, and there’s ISIL/ISIS in the middle and I don’t think Ebola can survive that. Then, the Asians have China. They can do stuff no one else can…so yeah…very paranoid here!
- Preach but don’t practice what you preach. In fact, I’ll give you my list of excuses as to why I don’t practice what you preach. We can swap notes.
- Drive me crazy with cute cat memes. No, seriously. I want to share each and every one of them!
- Be a jerk on my wall and rest assured that ye shall be promptly paid back in kind right then for I love to return favors. Don’t deprive me of that joy. *see my halo*
- Take my sarcasm seriously. Nothing in the world might make me doubt your IQ and/or marvel at my own smarts. By the way, which planet did you drop from and why?
- And last but certainly not the least: